For Positive Communication: Netiquette Revisited

On the eve of the new millennium I read with my students a detailed article about the disadvantages of office email. At that time it was quite a new tool and was sometimes misused. The writer of the article argued that although office email was a boon to the work place, it had to be handed carefully as it was the cause for so many unnecessary misunderstandings.

As a member of several mailing lists, and Facebook and WhattsApp groups, I am always surprised how often misunderstandings become conflicts. Furthermore, the same people who are, in real life, civilized members of the community become volatile in their communication on the net.

Although electronic communication has been with us for quite a while, it is surprising to find out that not many people practice netiquette: the rules of etiquette that apply when communicating over computer networks, especially the Internet.

The virtual mentor Michael Hyatt compiled a clear and simple list of to-do and not-to-do rules for electronic communication. Most of those rules are well known. However, a quick refresher etiquette review could prove helpful.

Here is my rendition to Hyatt's Email Etiquette 101

-- Keep messages brief and exact, state your most important point first and clarify the purpose of your message.

-- A brief mail, to limited number of recipients, increases your chance of getting a response

-- Limit your mail to a single message; if you need to discuss another matter write another mail

-- Write the topic of the mail clearly in the subject line

-- Do not respond right away. While instant message requires an instant response, it is quite enough to respond to an email within a  day.

-- Since  email doesn't allow the benefit of non-verbal cues, like a smile, or a kind look, your words become your tone, so choose them carefully. Do not use sarcasm and avoid jokes.  If, without meaning to, you offended someone apologize right away.

-- While email is a great tool for positive responses and encouragement, it is a poor choice for criticism. For that face to face interaction works best.

-- Don’t reply in anger. Wait a day or two and then check your mail and carefully consider what to do next.

-- Don’t send mails containing offensive remarks or derogatory adjectives, use proper language which could be quoted.

-- Avoid reply-all unless it is necessary and don’t use all CAPS and excessive punctuation in order to make a point. In the digital world they are the equivalent to shouting.

-- Check your spelling, especially if you are using automatic spelling, and reread your mail before you push the send button.

It has been almost twenty years since my students and I read the email article, and it seems that not much has changed. We use email for most of our needs but still senders and recipients have not learnt to take the time to examine the text carefully, and as a result misunderstandings happen all the time.

It's not always possible to remember to take the time and read or write carefully. It happened to me that, in a rush, while writing in Hebrew on my smartphone, I replaced Ayin for Youd, and referred to my female friend as "Barren" Rachel  instead of "Dear." Rachel. But, in normal times, whenever possible, applying netiquette could make personal communication over the internet a much more positive experience.

The essay appeared in the Times of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/for-positive-communication-netiquette-revisited/

The Power Of The Written Word: "Naftali Please Ban My Book"

The power of art, in its different forms, has always been acknowledged, and sometimes, in order to control its effect, authorities limit the access of the pubic to different works of art. Throughout history books have often been banned because of the belief that they could affect the minds of the readers and corrupt them.

Like our officials in the Ministry of Education I also believe in the power of art, in particular the novel,  to influence the reader and to change his/her opinions. Moreover, when we consider the minds of our young readers we must be careful in our choices

But unfortunately today, in contrast to the days when books were almost the only source of knowledge and ideas, the written word ,inside the traditional book, has lost its clout. There are many effective and immediate forms of communication which could prove much more powerful and even harmful.

Research has consistently shown that during adolescence students hardly read at all. As a result, this reality makes the decision which books they should read, as part of the curriculum, much more significant.

The criterion for choosing the best books for students, those which will stay with them as they go about life, has not changed throughout the ages. In the 17th century the English writer and literary critic, John Dryden pronounced that a good book has to instruct and to delight, and many other thinkers before him said similar things.

I read in Ha’aretz that banning Rabinian’s novel Borderlife led to some serious discussions, in ten high-schools, centering on the question whether literature could be immoral.

I am not going to discuss this question here, but instead I would like to give an example.

Great novels often provide an opportunity to expose youngsters to philosophical questions.  Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov is such a book, and if it is to be taught to teen-agers, the teacher must focus not only on the problematic content of the novel, but show the students how to become  a critical reader.

Since the story is told in the first person, from the point of view of protagonist Humbert Humbert, the students have to become familiar with the technique of unreliable narrator. They have to be able to trace how the author, Valdimir Nabokov, implicitly criticizes his narrator, so that the reader would be able to condemn his actions as well..

On the surface Lolita is the best example of immoral literature, it is about a pedophile, a criminal, and perhaps it is best if young minds stay away from this work of art for fear of turning into criminals. However, like all great literature, Lolita  is much more than that and, if taught properly, it could force students to examine their values and beliefs, and make them aware on their own ethical flaws. The book is written so well that the reader could easily gloss over the crimes which are committed  by the convincing  narrator.

I  believe that books which present serious ethical conflicts should be taught in high schools. But they deserves special attention, and teachers must be equipped with the necessary background and sensitivity in order to introduce such texts to their students.

Even before the age of information people have always been fascinated with lists, among them we could find the “greatest books ever written.” Many of those books, such as Huckleberry Finn, Lady Chatterley’s Lover, Ulysses and of course Lolita, had also been banned and then gained a huge popularity:

The same happened to Dorit Rabinyan, once she  joined the long, and respectable, list of banned books her popularity soared and her books literally disappeared off the shelves. All the while, her fellow writers, who are struggling in today's economy, are left to plead with the Education Minister: "Naftali please ban my book."

iThe essay appeared in the Times Of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/the-power-of-the-written-word-naftali-please-ban-my-book/

Sour Grapes of Parents, Sons’ Teeth and Chapter 2

Less than three months ago, the beloved journalist and television personality Motti Kirshenbaum passed away at the age of 76. Kirshenbaum was a widower, and in recent years he had a partner. Although he loved the attention of the media, It seems to me that, he would have hated to think about the public inheritance feud between his adult children and his partner, following his death.

Of course, inheritance feuds do not happen only in families of public figures or millionaires, people could fight bitterly over their parents’ money even when there is hardly anything left to divide.

But when it comes to individuals who chose to open a new chapter in their life, the hatred and contempt, between the opposing sides: the children of the deceased and the remaining partner,are often not concealed. From the two articles in Ma'ariv about the Kirshenbaum family, it was evident that in this case the gloves were off.

In Hebrew we call that new chapter “Chapter Two” and it refers to the meaningful relationship, which occurs if or when chapter 1, in which people get married and have children, ends. Many people are lucky to have only one long chapter in their life, others, due to unfortunate circumstances such as death or divorce, are left on their own. Some of them choose to find a new partner.

A good friend, who is a widower, told me once that the main bones of contention in chapter 2 are children and money.

In novels, unlike the significant first chapter, the following one is somewhat secondary. While chapter 1 sets the action and the tone for the whole book and creates certain hopes, chapter 2 works best when it develops the themes of the first, and fulfills some of its promises. If it doesn't it could confuse and irritate the reader, and may lead to frustration and disbelief..

It happens outside literature as well, and as couples who choose chapter 2 try to be independent and carve out a new life for themselves, it often creates feelings of suspicion and even ill-will among children and other family members. And, as my friend suggested, most often this mistrust manifests itself in issues related to money.

Like a skilled author, those new couples  find themselves trying to give power and significance to their allotted chapter 2 while trying to keep promises which were given in chapter 1.

I don’t see how, following the death of a parent, conflicts between adult children and the remaining partner could be resolved, especially as both sides are motivated by anger and suspicion. But it helps if there are specific instructions that both sides know. My husband explicitly told me that he hoped that I would start a new chapter once he was gone, but that he trusted me to take good care of our daughters' future.

Thus, the first thing I did once I got up from the Shiva was to fulfill his wish and wrote a will. We have no way of knowing what happens after we are gone, but putting our affairs in order ahead of time is a small step toward leaving our children a better world, and keeping our legacy unmarred,

 The essay appeared in the Times Of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/sour-grapes-of-parents-sons-teeth-and-chapter-2/

Kind Neighbors, or A Young Reporter from Um El Fahem

Some time ago I drove with two English friends to the Sea of Galilee. I stopped to fill the car with gas on Highway 6, and as I was getting ready to exit in the direction of Afula on Highway 65, I noticed that the car was stalling. It was a new car, and this happened at the time when gas stations started positioning diesel pumps next to the regular gas pumps. I suddenly realized that, by mistake, I filled the tank with diesel.

The car finally stopped at a quite dangerous place where the shoulder was narrow. I stayed in the car with the guests, thinking about what I should do next.

Then another car stopped and soon a  young woman walked toward me. She inquired if we were okay, I told her that I had to wait for a tow truck. She said that she was a reporter from Um El Fahem, and she happened to be in the area because she covered an accident nearby. She asked if she could help in any way.

Please keep reading in the Times Of Israel 

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/kind-neighbors-or-a-young-journalist-from-um-el-fahem/

The Human Face Of A Conflict: Selim Selim

A couple of years ago in London, I saw the play  #aiww The Arrest of Ai Weiweiby, by Howard Brenton, at the Hampstead Theatre.

The play is about the Chinese artist Ai Weiwei who was arrested by the Chinese authorities at Beijing airport on April 3rd, 2011 as he was about to board a flight to Taipei. Ai Weiwei spent 81 days in detention without trial. He was accused of being a subversive, a conman and a pervert, who “could damage state security.”

Edward Hall the artistic director of Hampstead Theatre explains his choice of this special topic in the program notes: ”We had been looking for a play about China since starting in Hampstead and knew that it was a subject that Howard Brenton was keen to explore. The rise of China is clearly one of the most important developments of modern times but it has hardly been discussed.”

The arrest and the disappearance, without trial, of the artist reveals a lot about  oppression in China today, and potentially could have brought about an exciting and critical play about its development. 

Please keep reading in the Times of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/the-human-face-of-a-conflict-selim-selim/

Dealing With Conflicts Or A Story Of A Tiled Footpath

Recently I was looking to buy an apartment, it took some time to find the perfect place for the best price at the nicest neighborhood. But then I saw a lovely newly renovated garden apartment on a quiet street. My partner Johnny, an engineer, started looking around studying the building, and talked to the neighbor as well. In an informal but purposeful chat he discovered that there were several disagreement between the neighbor and the seller. Still at first those seemed like minor problems common among neighbors.

Yet, hearing about a possible conflict made me more sensitive to what was going on in the building, and when my daughter and I went to see it, we noticed a worker laying tiles in the footpath leading to the house. We remarked to one another that it was a good sign that the conscientious seller was taking care of the yard. But, later that day I was surprised to hear that the neighbor called Johnny to complain. Apparently the seller, who had previously broken the tiles in the footpath, failed to consult with him and unilaterally replaced the expensive tiles with others of inferior quality.

At that point I decided to back away from the transaction, there was much more to the story than I had realized. 

As is often the case with miscommunications, each side viewed the other with suspicion: gestures of [supposedly] good-will were interpreted as manipulation, and every action was construed as intending to offend.  The opposing sides did not have to look hard in order to find proofs or justifications for their beliefs. 

The tiled footpath is another symbol of the impossibility of seeing the whole picture, this is a topic which I explored in another post.

I was lucky to be able to walk away and not get involved in the conflict over the apartment. However, when  relationships with loved ones deteriorate there is no where to go. I could easily imagine myself in the role of the tiles layer, or as the one who is furious over their inferior quality. With loss of trust nothing which I do or say is understood in the way I intended it.

I have just completed a year-long course in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming). One of the goals of that approach is to promote self awareness and better communication through various sensory experiences. NLP has a specific technique to deal with frustration, anger or helplessness which stem from miscommunications. The technique: "Expanding the map of reality," utilizes 3 presuppositions, out of the 11 articles of belief, in NLP.

The first is: the map is not the territory, which means that people act upon their own perception of reality-- their internal map of reality. This statement may appear trivial but in times of conflict it is easily forgotten. Thus, it is helpful to remember an instance when we realized that our conclusions about reality were not necessarily the only truth.

The second is: the meaning of communication is the response you get, which means that the success of my part in a dialogue is measured by the reaction of the listener. Here  it is useful to remember a time when I was misunderstood  by another person, and how, by adjusting the message, I was able to turn it around and make myself clear.

 The third is: every behavior has a positive intent in some context, which means that even a  negative pattern of behavior serves a purpose.  Here we should  remember an example when that type of behavior was helpful in some way.

NLP contends that revisiting those instances in the past when I learnt the merit of those presuppositions could assist me in discovering within myself ways to deal with the present conflict.

I find this technique effective, but even if it doesn't always work it is far better than the old-fashioned "count to 10" cool down. Moreover, spending time with different angles of the problem in hand could bring about more  creative and satisfying solutions.

PS.  NLP's presuppositions:  http://nlp-mentor.com/presuppositions/