Wednesday, July 16, 2014

How To Get Rid Of A Middle-Aged Casanova

A Helpful Advice From A Red Room Author


The end of this story was that I started writing a blog, but what had happened before that was somewhat unexpected.

I got married when I was 20 and lost my husband to cancer when I was 52. Shortly before he died my husband Tzvi told me that he hoped that afterwards I could find love again.So several months after his death, I decided that I was ready to go on with my life and started on-line dating. Although Israel is a small country and in theory the six degrees of separation could work perfectly, on-line dating felt awkward and risky. Also the last time when I was out on a date I was 19 and then I dated boys. Now, to my great surprise, the people whom I met were, like me, older.  But soon afterwards I met, in real life, a colleague and we stated dating. I felt relieved not to go on blind dates anymore, and he looked like a suitable partner. We came from a similar background, and the fact that we were colleagues made me feel safe.

 Here I must emphasize that in spite of my advanced age, I do not have much life experience. Thus I must have missed all the cues that would have been clear to any other woman. It transpired that my respectable colleague, PhD and all, was seeing, at the same time, several other women. That came as a complete surprise, coming from a happy and monogamous marriage, nothing prepared me for such eventuality.

 Since all my life I have  turned to books for guidance, I did the same here and found the answer in the book The Casanova Complex: Compulsive Lovers and Their Women by Peter Trachtenberg. The author,  a recovering Casanova by his own account wrote this important book when he was only in his late 30s. His book was an eye opener;  I read it over and over (with a highlighter in hand) until the text was pink and I was ready to let go of my own Casanova. But I still wasn’t sure what to do next, should I share  the important knowledge that I got from the book with my colleague in the hope that he would see the light and be saved?

I decided to ask Peter Trachtenberg for advice; I found his email address in Red Room, a site for authors  In order to write to him I had to join Red Room, which I did. I remember writing to him that I didn’t know much about men but I did know about books, and that was the reason why I turned to his. Trachtenberg wrote me back a kind reply, his answer was clear: he objected to the idea of sharing his book with Casanova and told me, in no uncertain terms, to disengage; I followed his advice.

 I will always be grateful to Peter Trachtenberg for his insightful book and sound advice. I am also thankful that looking for him, was the first step in going back to writing, and this time in English 
P.S I just saw that  Peter Trachtenberg has a new book out Another Insane Devotion.

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