MAR.07.2013
When we lose a loved
one we constantly need to feel his presence in our life, and at the same time
we worry that with time we won’t remember everything about him. I know a widow
whose urge to keep her husband near her was so strong that she chose to
eternalize him in a life-size oil portrait. This is an example of a private way
of remembrance; it emphasizes what was important to that bereaved woman at the
time. Some people use the cemetery as a venue where they express their grief,
and realize their wish to be close to their loved one. Thus they go there
often, talk to the deceased and tend the grounds-- cleaning and planting
flowers.
While this way of remembering helps the bereaved to stay close
to her loved one (and keeps the grave
beautiful), it does not transcend personal sorrow. But if, for example, she was
to use that urge to tend the grounds and grow, in another plot of land, herbs
and vegetables for everyone to enjoy, then the remembrance becomes public. It
could benefit the community and at the same time commemorate the private
person--the one that she has lost.
Some families choose a more public way of remembrance: they
donate money to an institute, or to a cause which reflects the beliefs of the
deceased, other give away a sum of money to start a scholarship fund. These are
worthy deeds and by doing them the family members feel that, in some way, they
continue the life-work of their loved ones.
To my mind the disadvantage here is that the connection
between the giver and the receiver is limited, we often don’t really know what
the money is used for, and in the case of the scholarship this act benefits
only a few.
My late husband Tzvi was a professor in Tel Aviv University
and the founder of a large professional organization in Israel. In his last
months, when we talked about his legacy he said that he didn't wish us to do anything. Like many people in his
situation, he argued that it was enough that we, his family, remembered him, and
that he stayed alive in our hearts. So we respected his wish.
But when I got an invitation from that organization to an
annual conference in his honor, I felt that we were given our plot of
land. It has been five years since
Tzvi's passing and I and my daughters still miss him very much. We grieve our
loss privately, but in this case, his students and colleagues chose to
commemorate him through an active way of learning, one which benefits his
community. By doing so the gain has been extended to many.
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