Although we may not always admit it, most of us experience
it in one way or another. What I am
referring to is the feeling of embarrassment, or even shame, while watching
a loved one in public: it could be a
family member (especially parents), a partner or even a close friend.
In retrospect, and sometimes even in real time, we feel guilty and disappointed at ourselves for
having those feelings, but it is hard to stop them. Those moments of
embarrassment do not come as a surprise,
usually there are triggers, and we dread their arrival. They could occur at
a holiday dinner, an outing, a party
with friends etc. Typically they appear when we are outside our immediate
circle, in cases when we do not have full control of the action and the outcomes.
In those instances we experience our loved ones in a different setting, often in a
different role and thus we view them
through, what we perceive to be, someone else’s critical eyes. Somehow under
such scrutiny a previously fine person becomes full of faults.
It is not as though we were blind to those flaws before
hand, but while prior to the occasion we condoned them, now suddenly they
become as noticeable as out of tune notes.
I remember with regret an instance when at the age of twenty
two my husband and I were invited with my parents to dinner at the home of new
British friends. After the meal when everyone had coffee my mother dared asking
for tea. And I thought why does she have to be different? it was the first time that I was embarrassed of
my mother and knew that those feelings, which stemmed from my
insecurities, reflected badly on me. No one else cared, and the hosts were
happy to give my mother what she had asked for. I hope that she didn’t notice,
at least I was smart enough not to say anything.
While My mother only embarrassed me that one time, my poor
father kept challenging my sensibility for years, until at thirty I finally realized that by finding faults
with his etiquette I was the one who lacked manners.
I had a chance to meet an extreme version of myself as a
young woman when we went out for dinner with a friend, her daughter and her son
in law. The mother (free spirited and
delightful) was constantly berated by her embarrassed daughter (sulky
and uptight). Those attributes in parentheses are mine, of course, the young
woman and her husband probably viewed the occasion quite differently. I
empathized with the mother
and felt some shame remembering my own behavior. In order to ease the
tension, I tried to make a supportive comment to the mother, but I noticed that
she preferred to think that no one had noticed, so I stayed out of it.
In gatherings we sometimes see couples where the wife just
knows that when her husband opens his mouth he would make a complete fool of
himself. Thus she intervenes trying to ameliorate the situation. Obviously for
her every inappropriate comment is grating on her ears.
I do not believe that this public performance is a sign that
the relationship is in trouble; it is very possible that the mother and her
daughter are close and that privately those couples get along fine. Issues that
we tend to discuss in public such as politics, sport, or religion are a
breeding ground to stock arguments and rigid opinions and therefore could be
especially hard to take.
I feel that women who are generally sensitive to their
surroundings tend to feel embarrassment and shame more strongly. I don’t think
that many men kick their wives under the table to make them stop talking, but I
have yet to meet the man who has not been kicked. Naturally we cannot kick our
parents, friends and children.
But why can’t we just
let it be? How come we are so worried that our loved ones’ imperfections will
reflect badly on us? Are we flawless in public?
I can only speak for myself, perhaps when it happens I
regress back to that insecure girl who found faults with her mother, all those
years ago.
A good friend told me “my daughter’s inadequate behavior in
public teaches me humility.” This is a great attitude which I am trying to adopt.
