Life Behind The Partition Of The Law School Graduation Gala

The request of the religious women law students at the Hebrew University to dance behind a partition during the graduation gala, is not that absurd if we take into account the long and established connection between women who dance and the men who are there to watch them.

In many cultures throughout the generations women have been dancing for the enjoyment of men. Even in our part of the world, in the conservative Middle East, belly dance has been traditionally performed for men. Thus it is not surprising that the religious law students feel that the only way for them to avoid being watched by men is to hide behind the partition.

Dancing is not the only activity that could make women feel self-conscious when there are men around,

it is a well-known secret that many women are not comfortable eating with men, even if they are their partners. For the purpose of this post I read an article that quoted a survey of more than 5000 women that found that More than 60 per cent of women in relationships do not feel comfortable eating in front of their partner.

Women often get together for the purpose of sharing a meal together with their friends. I am not sure whether it is because some men tend to comment on what women put on the plates, the amount they eat, or that they feel more relaxed around women and they can really eat what they want. Actually I don’t need the survey, I have seen it often enough with my own friends.

But, what most women truly dislike, especially as they get older, is to walk around in their swimming suits around men. This topic is not sufficiently discussed much in public, but I heard my female friends say that they haven’t been to the beach in ages, or that they no longer go to the pool. I know from experience what they mean as being in my swimming suit makes me feel really uncomfortable

So for my 60th birthday, I invited 60 of my good women friends to a swim party at a nearby thermal pool. Almost all the guests agreed to take their clothes off and get into the water in their swimming suits. It was a wonderful experience that would not have happened if men had been around.

I feel that instead of convincing women, who refuse to dance, eat or swim around men, that they should make an effort in the name of the Feminist cause, it is much wiser to support them and respect their wish to enjoy those simple pleasures in the company of other women.

I don’t like the idea of a physical partition in the middle of the public space at the Law school gala, but I believe in a metaphorical partition. The religious women who requested a partition would not dance without one. It is their right to have their own space, a safe place, where they can have music and the privacy to dance freely and happily. Perhaps they would even be trendsetters and other women will be brave enough to join their dance.

 The essay appeared in the Times Of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/life-behind-the-partition-of-the-law-school-graduation-gala/

The New Don Quixote: Facebook

Only six days have passed since Yinon Magal, the charismatic M.K. from the Jewish Home Party, was first accused of sexual harassment in a Facebook post, and today he resigned his position in the israeli Knesset. Magal never denied the facts detailed in the post (that was done by his many friends who used typical victim blaming techniques to fight back). However in his first response to the post Magal condescendingly chided the accuser for "shaming" him in the social media.”

I, for once, am thankful that Facebook could do this important service for victims of sexual harassment. A year ago I wrote an essay about a similar case in which Facebook became the voice of the women, who were victimized by a powerful man, and the effect this campaign had on empowering them.

In the last few weeks we witnessed extensive protests in the social media against the decision to award the Landau award, by the national lottery association, to the writer Yitzhak Laor.

Please keep reading in the Times Of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/the-new-don-quixote-facebook/

Women And Aging: The Pnina Rosenblum Version

The other night on Israeli television (Hakol Kalul-- all inclusive) I watched Talia Peled Keinan interviewing the  Israeli  businesswoman, and media personality, Pnina Rosenblum.

About two years ago Rosenblum started an online dating service, lately she was sued by one of her former clients. He was one of her VIP clients who paid a large sum of money so that she personally would find him a suitable partner.  Apparently she failed to do so. Rosenblum ignored questions about the lawsuit, instead she used the opportunity to promote her business. She encouraged older men to subscribe, even free of charge, to her dating service and gave older women some personal grooming tips

Rosenblum claimed that older women should be careful not to let themselves go, eligible men are rare, and in order to catch a man, women must stay slim and beautiful.

Please keep reading in the Times Of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/women-and-aging-the-pnina-rosenblum-version/

"Unknown Sister": Na'amat's Journey To Poland

Earlier this year I saw on Facebook that Na’amat, the Israeli women’s organization, affiliated with the workers’ union (Histadrout), is taking a group of women to Poland. That trip, entitled: “ Unknown Sister” will focus on the forgotten heroines of the Holocaust.

I signed up immediately, going on such a journey with other women feels like a an easier, perhaps more accessible,  introduction to that chapter in the history of my family and my people, which until now I tried not to think about.

Please keep reading in the Times Of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/unknown-sister-naamats-journey-to-poland/ 

From Marriage Ban To Freezing Eggs: The High Price Of Equality

Until the end of the Second World War and even later, in many places around the world, women had to choose between a career and marriage. Those who decided to have a career knew that they had to give up having a family.

In Britain, for example, by law, being a teacher or working in the Civil Service meant that the woman remained a spinster. Only in 1944 did the Education Act enshrined that women teachers were not dismissed once they got married. Two years later in 1946 marriage bar was removed from female civil servants.

Marriage bar at the work place must have made life simpler, at least for men, 

Please keep reading in the Times Of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/from-marriage-ban-to-freezing-eggs-the-high-price-of-equality/

Facebook Power: From Clarence Thomas to Yitzhak Laor

In the last few weeks we witnessed extensive protests in the social media against the decision to award the Landau award, by the national lottery association, to the writer Yitzhak Laor. Although he was never charged, it appears that over the years he had sexually assaulted and harassed numerous women.  In response to the outcry,  the board of the Landau Foundation decided to withdraw the prize for poetry from Laor.
It could have ended differently, In 1991 president George H. W. Bush nominated Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court.  Anita Hill, was an attorney-adviser to Clarence Thomas who was then the Assistant Secretary of the U.S. Department of Education's Office for Civil Rights. After a report of a private interview with her by the FBI was leaked to the press, she was called to testify at the hearings. At the time we lived in the US and I remember how she described in great details the sexual harassment which she had suffered from Clarence Thomas, her boss.
Yet, in spite of her testimony, the Senate voted 52-48 to confirm Clarence Thomas as associate justice of the Supreme Court.
At that time it was still possible to dismiss serious  accusations  like those of Anita Hill, as merely her word against his, and to cover up sexual misconduct. But today thanks to social media such as Facebook and Twitter, women are no longer alone, they have a community and  are not afraid to speak up.  It happened recently on Twitter with the accusations against Bill Cosby and here in Israel in the case against Yitzhak Laor. In contrast,  during the Clarence Thomas hearings, four female witnesses waited in the wings to reportedly support Hill's credibility, but they were not called to testify and their voice was not heard.
During the course of the debate concerning Laor, some people, especially men, claimed that he should be judged for his art and not for his character or his conduct. They argued that we should make a distinction between the man and his art. I feel that this is no longer possible.
As long as we knew nothing about our artists we were content to merely judge their work. However,  at the age of information it’s getting harder  to cover up misconduct. Thus when an artist is about to get a prestigious award,  it makes sense to assure that he is an upstanding  person who could bring credit to those who  nominated him/her.
There is no going back, in Ha’aretz today the writer Michal Zamir complained that being politically correct ruins all the fun.  She is right, it is not hard to imagine the Facebook outrage if we heard a declaration such as  “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” today.
Richard Wagner was banned and his music has not been performed in Israel not because he was an inferior composer, but since he was an Anti-Semite. Paul de Man lost all his standing when it transpired that he was a Nazi collaborator. So why should we make allowances  when it comes to crimes against women?

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/facebook-power-from-clarence-thomas-to-yitzhak-laor/

From Lot's Wife To Malala Yusafzai

Today on Human Rights Day when Malala Yusafzai is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize it is important to remember that until fairly recently even in Europe and in the US women were denied education.

In  the introduction to his book Equality for Some: The Story of Girls’ Education, Barry Turner states: “The female intellect is a recent educational discovery. Traditionally Western civilization has distrusted and discouraged clever women, initially because they were regarded as a threat to the spiritual well-being of the community.”

Please keep reading in the Times Of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/from-lots-wife-to-malala-yusafzai/

Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures: Women Wage Peace

It was just beautiful, earlier this month hundreds of Australian protesters literally buried their head in the sand in Bondi Beach, in a demonstration over climate change inaction. The purpose of this dramatic protest was to send a message to the prime minister and the G20 leaders ahead of the 2014 summit in Brisbane.

It is unclear whether such a demonstration will bring about the needed changes, but I cannot think of a better way to illustrate blindness and to protest against stupidity.

 
A similar symbolic act was chosen to mark the launching of a new Israeli movement Women Wage Peace. Last Tuesday more than 1000 women boarded  “a train for peace” from Tel Aviv to Sderot to protest against the irresponsibility of Israeli leaders whose “leadership train” has derailed and it is speedily heading for destruction of Jews and Arabs alike.

Please keep reading in The Times Of Israel 

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/desperate-times-call-for-desperate-measures-women-wage-peace/

The Eggs In The Gilded Cage

For years we have been impressed with the perks of being a High Tech employee:  the exciting free food, the on-site gym, the retreats, and that even before we begin to admire the generous  paychecks and the other financial benefits.

But  there is always a price, in return for all that the worker gives the company his/her life, or at least time and creative energy,.Now comes the latest perk: covering the expense of freezing women's egg as announced by Facebook and Apple.

But excuse me if I  don’t trust those companies to have women’s  best interest in mind.

Please keep reading in The Times Of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/the-eggs-in-the-gilded-cage/

A Woman's Career And Bad Karma

The recent gaffe made by Microsoft's CEO prompted  me think that  one  of the reasons why I didn't have a career was Karma.

But there was a  time when I truly believed that a job well done would  lead to a career. As a graduate student at the University Of Iowa I was the program director at the university Hillel House. That university is the home of the distinguished Writers' Workshop and the International Writers' Workshop, and Iowa City has always been a paradise for literature lovers.

For me as a graduate student of literature it was a perfect position, and one of my goals was to make our Hillel a cultural and literary center. I worked hard, and was so successful that in my second year one of my programs won a national award.

Please keep reading in The Times of Israel 

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/a-womans-career-and-the-bad-karma/

When It Comes To Women Ambition Is Still A Dirty Word

The public argument between the two journalists Ayala Hasson and Geula Even resulted in many schadenfreude responses, especially in the social media. I saw very unpleasant sexist remarks on my Facebook page. Those reactions to the two strong women got me thinking about the instinctive negative attitude to ambitious women.

In 2008 I attended a conference on Women and Ambition in the Workplace. The conference was organized by the Centre for Gender and Women’s Studies in Trinity College, Dublin in association with the Irish Department of Justice, Equality and Law Reform.

Although the conference was devoted to ambition that word was curiously absent from the discussions. There was certain unease surrounding ambition itself and as an adjective for a woman.

Please keep reading in the Times Of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/when-it-comes-to-women-ambition-is-still-a-dirty-word/

Best Friends Are Forever?

TOCT.04.2013 

My mom’s best friend called me on my mother’s birthday to let me know that she hasn’t forgotten that date. The friend is 97 year old and my mother has been dead for almost 20 years. Still I wasn’t surprised, isn’t that what  best friends are all about, to be there for you forever and ever?

My mother met her friend in Tel Aviv in the 1930s when they were young and single. They  have remained best friends throughout their lives and  for us, the children, she has always been family. If, like my mother, we are lucky to have a best friend in our adult life, she is often closer than a sibling, we trust her completely, and depend on her for affirmation, strength, and advice. We may even share with her secrets that we won't tell our partner. 

Perhaps because of its significance, "a best friend" is quite a complicated institution, and the attitude to its mere existence is ambivalent. For example, husbands, who are aware of the power and influence of their wife's best friend, sometime see  her as a threat which could  undermine their marriage. Moreover, they could feel that she sees through them, knows all their faults, and her compassion and  loyalty always lie with the wife.

Ambivalence is also an intrinsic part of the relationship itself; one of its manifestations is expectaions. Such strong emotional bond between best friends entails high expectations, and when those are not met it could lead to deep disappointment. 

Thus it may not be surprising that in spite of its depth and intensity,  friendship among women has traditionally been disparaged. The Victorian writer Charlotte Yonge observed in 1878: “It has been said that women are less capable of real friendship than men, and certainly historical friendships, such as existed between even Greeks of the highest type, do not appear to have been known amongst women; but this is because woman in her degraded state, uneducated and only her husband’s foremost slave, was incapable of more than gossip and rivalry with her fellow-women. Friendship could not begin till woman was refined and elevated.  .  . It requires that the woman should have a mind, and should go beyond the actual interest of dress, marriage and family, in order to have substance enough to make a real friendship with man or woman”

The great feminist Vera Brittain also noted that historically friendship between women has been underestimated by society: “From the days of Homer the friendships of men have enjoyed glory and acclamation, but the friendships of women, in spite of Ruth and Naomi, have usually been not merely unsung, but mocked, belittled and falsely interpreted” (1942).

Similar conclusions were found in sociological studies, conducted around the middle of the twentieth century. Graham Allan suggested in 1989 that relationships between women tend to be viewed through the prism of negative conventional images and stereotypes, with their actuality usually masked in a fashion that favors the interests of more powerful groupings.

Lately social scientists have finally acknowledged close friendship among women as the most individualized and unregulated social relation. I am sure that all of us who have a best friend will agree with that conclusion.

When my best friend of over  30 years ceased to be my friend, I mourned  that loss and the void it has left in my life. But while death is final, there is always hope that with your best friend things will somehow, miraculously, be restored to the way they were, didn’t we say that a best friend is forever? 

Simone De Beauvoir And The Burden Of The Double Day, Revisited

 NOV.10.2013 - 2:54 PM

The other day I heard an inspiring yet somewhat disturbing story. It was about the challenges of a young career woman-- a mother, in the relentless business world. Her daughter celebrated her birthday at the preschool and had warned the  mother that if she failed to show up to the party on time, she would dismiss her as a mother.

On the appointed day the mother had to attend a meeting which was due to end fifteen minutes prior to the party. As it was rush hour, she knew that she would never get from the center of Tel Aviv  to the party on time. Desperate times called for desperate measures, thus she had planned ahead and hired a delivery motorcyclist who waited for her at the end of the meeting and raced  through heavy traffic to the school: She wasn't late.

This time the mother found a solution, but I have to wonder about all the other instances when she couldn't, and about all the important occasions in her daughter’s life that she had to miss.The preschooler and  her mother suffered many disappointments.  It seems that from an early age the daughter learnt that a threat could actually be an effective tool to help her mother steer in her direction.

The story demonstrates the creativity and resourcefulness of the mother, she thinks outside the box and comes up with innovative solutions. Those are rare and sought after qualities even in the business world. However, it is a sad comment on our society when a  mother  has to literally risk her life to get to a her daughter's birthday party on time.

For generations Feminists have been wrestling with the issue of combining home and work. Simone de Beauvoir in The Second Sex, (1953) was against women's employment and argued that combining home and work meant a burden of the ‘double day’ which underpinned the subordinate position of women in society. She further details the hardships in store for women, at all professional levels, who attempt to combine marriage and work. She points out the difficulties of the woman worker or employee, the secretary, the saleswoman, all of whom go to work outside the home. It is much more difficult for them to combine their employment with household duties, which would seem to require at least three and a half hours a day, with perhaps six hours on Sunday – a good deal to add to the hours in factory or office. As for the learned professions, even if women lawyers, doctors, and professors obtain some housekeeping help, the home and children are for them also a burden that is a heavy handicap.

De Beauvoir, who never married, wrote about the plight of working married women. The sociologists Alva Myrdal and Viola Klein studied working mothers and like most Feminists of their era, advocated part-time work for mothers once their children went to school. They promoted this style of work in their book Women’s Two Roles (1956) since they regarded being  part of the working force for women as a mission and as an end in itself.

Today, sixty years later, most mothers cannot afford to work part time even if they wish to do so. De Beauvoir was right: many women, mothers in particular, still face the burden of the double day once they get home. And if they need to make some changes in their work's schedule, they have to take heroic measures.

After all this time, most men still find it easier to view this situation as a woman’s problem, but this  is a grave oversight. Men  should help make the working environment  conducive for mothers, as it is also their own children that the mothers are forced to disappoint.

I hope that the daughter in the story would not grow up believing that it's just not worth it. Moreover, it will be unfortunate if, in order not to disappoint their own daughters, she and other female friends would decide either not to have children like de Beauvoiror, or if they do have them to go back to being stay-at home moms like most of their foremothers.

Your Best Is Not Good Enough For Me

Although we may not always admit it, most of us experience it in one way or another.  What I am referring to is the feeling of embarrassment, or even shame, while watching a  loved one in public: it could be a family member (especially parents), a partner or even a close friend.

In retrospect, and sometimes even in real time, we  feel guilty and disappointed at ourselves for having those feelings, but it is hard to stop them. Those moments of embarrassment do not  come as a surprise, usually there are triggers, and we dread their arrival. They could occur at a  holiday dinner, an outing, a party with friends etc. Typically they appear when we are outside our immediate circle, in cases when we do not have full control of the action and the  outcomes.

In those instances we experience our  loved ones in a different setting, often in a different role and  thus we view them through, what we perceive to be, someone else’s critical eyes. Somehow under such scrutiny a previously fine person becomes full of faults.

It is not as though we were blind to those flaws before hand, but while prior to the occasion we condoned them, now suddenly they become as noticeable as out of tune notes.

I remember with regret an instance when at the age of twenty two my husband and I were invited with my parents to dinner at the home of new British friends. After the meal when everyone had coffee my mother dared asking for tea. And I thought why does she have to be different?  it was the first time that I was embarrassed of my mother and  knew  that those feelings, which stemmed from my insecurities, reflected badly on me. No one else cared, and the hosts were happy to give my mother what she had asked for. I hope that she didn’t notice, at least I was smart enough not to say anything.

While My mother only embarrassed me that one time, my poor father kept challenging my sensibility for years, until at thirty  I finally realized that by finding faults with his etiquette I was the one who lacked manners.

I had a chance to meet an extreme version of myself as a young woman when we went out for dinner with a friend, her daughter and her son in law. The mother (free spirited and  delightful) was constantly berated by her embarrassed daughter (sulky and uptight). Those attributes in parentheses are mine, of course, the young woman and her husband probably viewed the occasion quite differently. I empathized  with the  mother  and felt some shame remembering my own behavior. In order to ease the tension, I tried to make a supportive comment to the mother, but I noticed that she preferred to think that no one had noticed, so I stayed out of it.

In gatherings we sometimes see couples where the wife just knows that when her husband opens his mouth he would make a complete fool of himself. Thus she intervenes trying to ameliorate the situation. Obviously for her every inappropriate comment is grating on her ears.

I do not believe that this public performance is a sign that the relationship is in trouble; it is very possible that the mother and her daughter are close and that privately those couples get along fine. Issues that we tend to discuss in public such as politics, sport, or religion are a breeding ground to stock arguments and rigid opinions and therefore could be especially hard to take.

I feel that women who are generally sensitive to their surroundings tend to feel embarrassment and shame more strongly. I don’t think that many men kick their wives under the table to make them stop talking, but I have yet to meet the man who has not been kicked. Naturally we cannot kick our parents, friends and children.

 But why can’t we just let it be? How come we are so worried that our loved ones’ imperfections will reflect badly on us? Are we flawless in public?

I can only speak for myself, perhaps when it happens I regress back to that insecure girl who found faults with her mother, all those years ago.

A good friend told me “my daughter’s inadequate behavior in public teaches me humility.” This is a great attitude which I am trying to adopt.