An Unexpected Boon

 - SEP.22.2013 - 

Almost two years after my husband’s passing I got a surprising email from a woman with a familiar name.  Although I had never met her, I knew of her existence, heard stories about her and even saw her photo together with my husband, as she was his first great love.

My husband and I met when we were 22 and 19 respectively, he was a first year student at the university and I was a soldier. Thus, that love had taken place when they even younger. But these were the days around the Yom Kippur War (1973) and  young  people were serious, anxious, and intense. I never doubted the depth of their feelings or the significance of their relationship.

Throughout the years my husband mentioned her but never expressed a wish to seek her out. Also her family name was a very common name in Israel, and it was would have been quite a challenege to track her down.

Thinking back I don’t remember ever feeling jealous of the love that my husband had for her. The two of us met six months after the war and a short while after they parted.  I felt sorry for his plight, going through a war, combined with the grief over the loss of his love. 

When my husband got ill,  I had a sudden urge to let her know, but I didn’t mention it to him, and then suddenly he said that he was thinking of her.

After my husband died I remembered her again, but had no idea where to find her. Part of the magic of their love was that they met outside their ordinary life in time of war and did not have even a single friend in common.

Then came her email, she only wrote that she had known my husband before his university days, nothing else about their past. She added that she was very sorry, that she has just then found out.  I wrote back telling her how much my husband loved her, and that we, his family, knew what she has meant to him. We arranged to speak and then to meet.

From the first time that we met we felt a bond; like me she is a widow who lost her husband to cancer. In other respects we are not alike, but we both loved the same man. 

This month we commemorate 40 years to the Yom Kippur War; the men of my generation are still haunted by the trauma of this war. In retrospect I believe that for my husband the bitter memories of those turbulent times were somewhat alleviated by the sweetness of his first love.

And I got unexpected boon when this new/old  friend entered  into my life willing to share with me an unknown chapter of my husband’s past. 

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Best Friends Are Forever?

TOCT.04.2013 

My mom’s best friend called me on my mother’s birthday to let me know that she hasn’t forgotten that date. The friend is 97 year old and my mother has been dead for almost 20 years. Still I wasn’t surprised, isn’t that what  best friends are all about, to be there for you forever and ever?

My mother met her friend in Tel Aviv in the 1930s when they were young and single. They  have remained best friends throughout their lives and  for us, the children, she has always been family. If, like my mother, we are lucky to have a best friend in our adult life, she is often closer than a sibling, we trust her completely, and depend on her for affirmation, strength, and advice. We may even share with her secrets that we won't tell our partner. 

Perhaps because of its significance, "a best friend" is quite a complicated institution, and the attitude to its mere existence is ambivalent. For example, husbands, who are aware of the power and influence of their wife's best friend, sometime see  her as a threat which could  undermine their marriage. Moreover, they could feel that she sees through them, knows all their faults, and her compassion and  loyalty always lie with the wife.

Ambivalence is also an intrinsic part of the relationship itself; one of its manifestations is expectaions. Such strong emotional bond between best friends entails high expectations, and when those are not met it could lead to deep disappointment. 

Thus it may not be surprising that in spite of its depth and intensity,  friendship among women has traditionally been disparaged. The Victorian writer Charlotte Yonge observed in 1878: “It has been said that women are less capable of real friendship than men, and certainly historical friendships, such as existed between even Greeks of the highest type, do not appear to have been known amongst women; but this is because woman in her degraded state, uneducated and only her husband’s foremost slave, was incapable of more than gossip and rivalry with her fellow-women. Friendship could not begin till woman was refined and elevated.  .  . It requires that the woman should have a mind, and should go beyond the actual interest of dress, marriage and family, in order to have substance enough to make a real friendship with man or woman”

The great feminist Vera Brittain also noted that historically friendship between women has been underestimated by society: “From the days of Homer the friendships of men have enjoyed glory and acclamation, but the friendships of women, in spite of Ruth and Naomi, have usually been not merely unsung, but mocked, belittled and falsely interpreted” (1942).

Similar conclusions were found in sociological studies, conducted around the middle of the twentieth century. Graham Allan suggested in 1989 that relationships between women tend to be viewed through the prism of negative conventional images and stereotypes, with their actuality usually masked in a fashion that favors the interests of more powerful groupings.

Lately social scientists have finally acknowledged close friendship among women as the most individualized and unregulated social relation. I am sure that all of us who have a best friend will agree with that conclusion.

When my best friend of over  30 years ceased to be my friend, I mourned  that loss and the void it has left in my life. But while death is final, there is always hope that with your best friend things will somehow, miraculously, be restored to the way they were, didn’t we say that a best friend is forever? 

Mothers and Mothers-In-Law: A Different Bridal Shower

I am in London visiting a friend and we went to see her mother. I've known the mother for almost forty years, and she has always been sharp, focused, funny, and interested in everything. This year she will celebrate her 90th birthday and is still the same. My friend is very fortunate and I feel jealous of their bond.

My own mother  passed away  seventeen years ago, and since then there has never been a day when I didn’t miss her. My mother and I were very close, and growing up I  knew that she was the one person in the world who truly believed in me.

A typical example of my mother's disposition comes to mind: In high school I once had a conflict with a teacher, who had said something untrue about me. I told my mother that I would not go back to her class. My mother took the matter seriously and suggested that we'd meet with the headmaster. I remember my mother saying to him: “my daughter told me what had happened with the teacher and I believe her since she never lies.” I was moved and proud that my mother stated so clearly that she was on my side.

 As it was agreed that I would not go back to that class, the headmaster was looking for solutions that would enable me to graduate. Those  involved doing a lot of extra work on my own, and again my mother said: “my daughter is not afraid of hard work.” Hearing that, I knew that this was the price that I had to pay, and that I would make the effort and do the work.

I was thinking about this transformative moment and the importance of trust when I was invited the other day to a bridal shower by my friend whose  son is marrying a girl from South America. Their custom of a bridal shower is different; it is held in honor of the bride and the two mothers, and the only guests are the female friends of the mothers.  

The bond between mother and daughter is often regarded as the strongest and most meaningful in the family. On the other hand, the connection between the new wife and her  mother-in-law is usually complex and  full with sensitivities.

While we usually trust our mother, this is the missing element in the relationship between a daughter and her mother-in-law.

This intimate gathering in which the mothers were in the roles of friends provided an opportunity to shuffle the cards. It was a joyous occasion: being with true friends we  feel safe and relaxed. There was a lot to observe, and the  bride got to see  her future mother-in-law with her friends with whom she was informal and happy. The mother-in-law saw the bride feeling comfortable with her mom’s friends. And the mother of the bride saw the future mother-in-law surrounded with a group of friends. This meant that she was a likeable person who would treat the daughter fairly. 

Obviously the bridal shower, with all the hugs and the kisses, is not going to solve the problems in the relationship between the three significant women in the new union.  However, the simplicity and good-will of such a party is an important first step in reducing suspicion and moving toward  trust.