Please Don't Tell Me Everything: A Mother's Viewpoint on the Big Tri

I can’t stop thinking about the mother of the young Israeli who was traveling in the Andes in Western Peru and after feeling unwell, took a bus to get medical help in the capital, Lima, but died before she was able to get there.

The instant messages between mother and daughter, during the last hours of her life, became public. In them the daughter wrote that she was in trouble and the mother, who got the messages few hours later, expressed her hope that by then her daughter was doing better. Those comforting and familiar words of the mother make this tragedy so real and personal.

The accessibility of different modes of communication such as WhatsApp and Skype, makes staying in touch with the traveling kids much easier. As today WIFI could be found even in the most remote places on the globes, it seems that the youngsters have not gone far. Indeed many of them keep in touch with life here in Israel, and in turn their parents almost participate in the journey.

Please keep reading in the Times Of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/please-dont-tell-me-everything-a-mothers-viewpoint-on-the-big-trip/

My Mother’s Wish

When I was a young child my mother took care of a cancer patient, who was also a medical doctor. Then suddenly she was gone. I didn’t think about it much and didn't ask my mother. But when I was  older my mother and I once walked by that woman's house.  My  mother asked me "do you remember the time when I cared for the doctor who lived here?"  I said yes that I remembered her and asked my mother  what had happened to her. My mother told me that one of her friends "helped her," and explained that this was a kind of "professional courtesy" carried out by doctors to help  the suffering of one of their own. 

My mother wasn't much of a talker, but at that point i was old enough to understand exactly what she meant.  never heard about it before and my mother was "only a nurse," but I  promised  myself that, when the time comes, if needed, I would do my best to help my mother.  

My mother studied to become a nurse in Mandatory Palestine. In 1936 two new hospitals were founded in Palestine, one in Jerusalem and another one in Petach Tikva near Tel Aviv, and they also offered nursing training. My mother, who immigrated with her family a year earlier, was one of the first nurses to be trained in Tel Aviv.

Growing up in Israel in the early 60s, not many of us had a working mother. Mine worked as a nurse in our community until she retired and was always passionate about nursing and proud of her vocation.

When I was myself a mother we lived in the US, and whenever my daughters were ill they asked me to call their grandmother so that she could give them, over the phone, a medical advice and some kind words.

We returned to Israel in 1994, two years prior to my mother’s passing. I feel grateful for the gift of those two precious years.

It was only natural that when my mother was hospitalized due to strong abdominal pain I remembered my promise, and as soon as she was diagnosed with cancer I asked to see the doctor  and specifically asked him about the hospital's policy regarding euthanasia. My brother, who sat next to me, was startled; he obviously had not talked with my mother about this topic and was not aware of her wish. But I was calm, and the doctor who promised that he would do his best for my mother, was professional and forthcoming.

The next day I took my mother for an additional exam. She sat in a wheelchair and on the way we passed through a beautiful garden overlooking the Mediterranean Sea. “Look mommy” I said, “This is such a beautiful spot.” My mother, who used to love the sea, seemed detached and said nothing. I realized that she was getting ready to leave. When she asked me a little later to take home some of her things, because she “won’t be needing them anymore,” I didn’t protest, and accepted that it was her time.

My mother died that night, for weeks I was relieved, even glad, that her suffering ended. Then I started noticing that something unusual happened. My mother became part of me, and there was plenty of room for the two of us, it felt natural and comfortable.

I just got off the phone with my brother, and as usual we talked about our childhood. We laughed that our mother always asked him not to tell dirty jokes in front of the kleine (my brother is seven years older than me). My mother was right, I was still the little one when she left me at the age of 40, and even today twenty years later, I still get embarrassed when I hear bad language or dirty jokes and I need my mother to protect me.

For Better And For Worse: A Woman's Best friend

Last week I came across an article in The Atlantic about friendships and how it changes throughout the years.

Since friendship is an important part of life, and by chance I am now in the US visiting an old friend, I decided that it was a good time to share my essay about friendship, and especially about the institution of the “best friend”:

My mom's best friend called me on my mother's birthday to let me know that she hasn't forgotten that date. The friend is 97 year old and my mother has been dead for almost 20 years. Still I wasn't surprised,

Please keep reading in the Times Of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/for-better-and-for-worse-a-womans-best-friend/

Mother Of The Year Award

When my girls grew up I decided it was finally my time  to go back to school and get a PhD. I was ready and excited, and was certain that the outside world was as excited to have me back.

Once  I started the program I came across an announcement about a special scholarship for women. In my naiveté I believed that it had my name written all over it. After all who wouldn’t appreciate the determination of a mother who decides to go back to school after a long break? The answer is that no one did. There were no scholarships or any other type of awards for someone like me

Shortly after I finished my PhD, I gave a paper at an international conference abroad. I got to talk to one of the other Israeli participants, a university professor. He said that in his department, for entry level positions, no one would even look at candidates over forty. Although he had drunk several glasses of wine, and probably would not have repeated it in public, it was clear that it was women, especially mothers, who paid the price.

So women who interrupt their career to have a family, and are ready to go back several years later, risk losing their career.

But perhaps there are other kind of awards for mothers? Today I saw on Facebook that “the city of Beer Sheva is seeking to nominate exceptional mothers for Mother of the Year Award.”

Then it transpired that one of the requirements was that the nominee would have achieved self-fulfillment. The definition of the term is “feeling of happiness and satisfaction as a result of doing something that fully uses one’s abilities and talents.”  But in today’s world, and in the context of the competition, the  term self-fulfillment  is a code word for a career.

Most of my female friends who stayed home with the children in the 1980s never got to have a career. Back then we were told that self-fulfillment is to be found in motherhood, especially if it was done full-time. We were a group of educated and capable women, but when we went back to work, it was too late to “fully use our abilities and talents.”  We found jobs, but those, usually, were not the self-fulfilling kind.

In the past it always surprised me to hear about young mothers who purposely chose to stay close to their parents once they had children of their own. However, now I think that they were practical, and knew something which I hadn’t realized: in order to have a career a mother must utilize all the resources available to her, and to make sure she receives all the help she can get.

In spite of the competition in Beer Sheva, society does not give awards to outstanding mothers. Their success is recognized privately within the family. But whether you are a young mother balancing work and children, or an older mother attempting to get back in, the workplace in general is not a friendly environment for mothers of all ages.

https://blogs.timesofisrael.com/mother-of-the-year-award/

Bring Back Mother's Day

Growing up in Haifa in In the early 1960s, Mother’s Day was celebrated in Hanukah. Our' was the only city which made the sensible connection between the holiday of light and life, and motherhood.

Then, unfortunately, the only day dedicated to honor our mothers, was taken away and replaced by the politically correct “Family Day.” It is not  the same.

Please keep reading in the Times Of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/bring-back-mothers-day/

IMA Is More Important Than

IMA is more important than

Going north on Ayalon highway in Tel Aviv you can’t miss the eye-catching yellow building with the word IMA (mother in Hebrew) in huge letters and beneath in smaller print: “is more important than.” Even once the full sentence is revealed with the rest of the word IMA--GINATION, and we remember Albert Einstein's quote, the word IMA remained with me.

So if IMA is that important, how come so many young women today still have trouble juggling motherhood and career? The following is a an amazing, yet disturbing, example of the challenges of an Israeli mother, in the relentless business world. Her daughter celebrated her birthday at the preschool and had warned the mother that if she failed to show up to the party on time, she would dismiss her as a mother.

On the appointed day the mother had to attend a meeting which was due to end fifteen minutes prior to the party. As it was rush hour, she knew that she would never get from the center of Tel Aviv to the party on time. Desperate times called for desperate measures, thus she had planned ahead and hired a delivery motorcyclist who waited for her at the end of the meeting and raced through heavy traffic to the school: She wasn't late.

That time the mother found a solution, but I have to wonder about all the other instances when she couldn't, and about the high price that the mother and her daughter have to pay, so that the mother could keep her job. Most mothers are not praised for their resourcefulness, it is part of their job. Moreover, this type of solving problem is silenced because it may hint to the fact that those women don’t have their priority straight. Even in the 21st century mothers are still expected to be at the birthday early with an elaborated home made cake and a big smile.

The story demonstrates a brave mother who thinks outside the box and comes up with innovative solutions. Those are rare and sought after qualities in both the business world and in politics. However, it is also a sad comment on our society when a mother has to literally risk her life to get to a her daughter's birthday party on time.

For generations women have been wrestling with the issue of combining home and work. The great Feminist Simone de Beauvoir in The Second Sex, (1953) was against women's employment and argued that combining home and work meant a burden of the ‘double day’ which underpinned the subordinate position of women in society. She further details the hardships in store for women, at all professional levels that attempt to combine marriage and work.

Things have not changed much, whether you are a young mother balancing work and children, or an older mother attempting to get back in, the workplace in general is not a friendly environment for mothers of all ages. De Beauvoir, who wrote about the plight of working married women, never married; it was her way of never facing that problem.

Not every woman wishes to be a mother, and it is a sensible choice, but But it is high time to recognize motherhood as one of the achievements listed on a woman’s CV.

The Best Parenting Advice: Sorry Teacher I Don't Work For You

 MAY.16.2013 

Parents are forever giving needed and unneeded advice to their children: we always remember Polonius’ advice to Laertes:

"Give your thoughts to yourself,

And don’t act without thinking. . . 

Listen to what every man says, but speak to few.

Take each man's opinion, but reserve your judgment”

 But when I was a young mother  I too was very fortunate "to listen" to an experienced mother and a teacher and to "take her opinion". Her advice proved crucial to my relationship with my daughters and to the wellbeing of my whole family.

My two daughters grew up in Iowa City where my husband was a young professor at the university of Iowa. It was his first job out of graduate school and we moved there when my older daughter was a baby.  When she was about two and a half we were looking for a preschool for her. Since in Iowa City all the public preschools took children only at the age of three she went to a private preschool which was part of a music school.  This special preschool met 3 times a week for two hours and did a lot of music activities with the children. The teacher asked us if our child would like to learn an instrument.  In the preschool they taught the children to play violin/ cello/ piano in the Suzuki method at a very early age. Since her older cousin played the violin my daughter asked to play that instrument.

That is how, without noticing, we entered the very competitive world of music through a tiny back door.  The two major principles of the Suzuki method are that the child learns to play by ear and that she never practices on her own. One parent has to be the teacher at home, and since my poor husband was tone deaf I was that parent.  Thus for years I practiced the violin and the cello with my daughters. We got up every day at 6 am so that they could practice before going to school and would be free (I wrote about chores at my post Between Chores and Personal Freedom) once they got back home.

What started as a childhood activity became a major  part of our life when my daughters became a little older and the teachers started to put more pressure to practice longer and harder.  Then one day I was talking with another mother who was older and experienced. She had four daughters who played musical instruments.  Here is her advice:

 “Practice at home with your girls,

 but be careful not to side with their teacher.

You have to live with your daughters

and not with their teacher.

Love your girls and don't push them,

thus you'll enjoy a happy and healthy family life”.

This sounds like an easy and logical advice and I really wanted to implement it. But as a young mother I found that it was a challenge to “to reserve my judgment”. The desire to help the girls realize their potential made it hard for me to resist the teachers and not to push. But whenever I forgot myself my husband was there to make sure that I heeded the advice of the other mother.  He reminded me that I “worked with my daughters and not for their teachers” .

With age my daughters started to practice on their own and they assumed responsibility for their music education. And today, thanks to that advice, music is still a happy part of my daughters’ life.

Mothers and Mothers-In-Law: A Different Bridal Shower

I am in London visiting a friend and we went to see her mother. I've known the mother for almost forty years, and she has always been sharp, focused, funny, and interested in everything. This year she will celebrate her 90th birthday and is still the same. My friend is very fortunate and I feel jealous of their bond.

My own mother  passed away  seventeen years ago, and since then there has never been a day when I didn’t miss her. My mother and I were very close, and growing up I  knew that she was the one person in the world who truly believed in me.

A typical example of my mother's disposition comes to mind: In high school I once had a conflict with a teacher, who had said something untrue about me. I told my mother that I would not go back to her class. My mother took the matter seriously and suggested that we'd meet with the headmaster. I remember my mother saying to him: “my daughter told me what had happened with the teacher and I believe her since she never lies.” I was moved and proud that my mother stated so clearly that she was on my side.

 As it was agreed that I would not go back to that class, the headmaster was looking for solutions that would enable me to graduate. Those  involved doing a lot of extra work on my own, and again my mother said: “my daughter is not afraid of hard work.” Hearing that, I knew that this was the price that I had to pay, and that I would make the effort and do the work.

I was thinking about this transformative moment and the importance of trust when I was invited the other day to a bridal shower by my friend whose  son is marrying a girl from South America. Their custom of a bridal shower is different; it is held in honor of the bride and the two mothers, and the only guests are the female friends of the mothers.  

The bond between mother and daughter is often regarded as the strongest and most meaningful in the family. On the other hand, the connection between the new wife and her  mother-in-law is usually complex and  full with sensitivities.

While we usually trust our mother, this is the missing element in the relationship between a daughter and her mother-in-law.

This intimate gathering in which the mothers were in the roles of friends provided an opportunity to shuffle the cards. It was a joyous occasion: being with true friends we  feel safe and relaxed. There was a lot to observe, and the  bride got to see  her future mother-in-law with her friends with whom she was informal and happy. The mother-in-law saw the bride feeling comfortable with her mom’s friends. And the mother of the bride saw the future mother-in-law surrounded with a group of friends. This meant that she was a likeable person who would treat the daughter fairly. 

Obviously the bridal shower, with all the hugs and the kisses, is not going to solve the problems in the relationship between the three significant women in the new union.  However, the simplicity and good-will of such a party is an important first step in reducing suspicion and moving toward  trust.