It Could Have Been Me: In Memory of Helen Bailey

When I read about the brutal murder of Helen Bailey I knew right away that it could have been me. Helen Bailey (1964 - 2016) was a British author who wrote teen fiction. She was also a widow.

In 2011, at the age of 46 while on vacation in Barbados, Bailey's husband of 22 years died suddenly. He went into the sea for a morning swim, was caught in a riptide and drowned. In her own words she was still  a “wife at breakfast” and became a “widow by lunch."

In spite of her deep mourning, Bailey did everything within her power to get better and move on. She sought the help of a bereavement coach who helped her deal with her grief, she wrote a blog called Planet Grief, in which she detailed her struggle to cope with the sudden loss of her husband, and she joined an online support group for people who had lost their spouses.

And then something joyful happened, after eight months of widowhood she met through that group a  “gorgeous grey-haired widower" (her words), whose wife died suddenly in 2010.

Helen Bailey probably felt that she met a kindred spirit. They started out as friends, then grew closer, started dating and finally moved in together and bought an old house in Royston, Hertfordshire

According to her bereavement coach, Helen Bailey was a person who wanted to feel “secure and safe”, like she had with her late husband. She added that “there was never any inkling or sign that she was anything but safe” with her new partner.

It seems that after her world was shattered, she could rebuild her life with her new partner Ian Stewart. So in order to make him feel secure as  well, in case she died, Bailey changed her will and left him all her money, She gave him  power of attorney as well.

People love a happy ending, and there is nothing more heartwarming than a story about a  widow and a widower who find  love and happiness.

But on April 2016, Helen Bailey disappeared, and three months later her remains were found buried in the Royston house. Her new partner was charged with her murder.

I am almost certain that most of the people who read about Helen Bailey and her tragic death ask themselves how could she have been so naïve and so blind? Didn’t she suspect anything?

But to me as a widow it makes perfect sense:  I was not used to being suspicious, I had no reason to. Moreover, in the first year of mourning, when I was hungry for warmth and kindness, I trusted people even more. I can even identify with Bailey’s wish to insure the future of her new partner in the event of her death. Hadn't he suffered enough?

Actually, apart for the ending, my own biography is almost identical to that of Helene Bailey. My husband died when I was relatively young, I was helped by a kind bereavement coach, and like her, I found my partner another “gray haired gorgeous widower” online.

My partner and I were both safe and secure in our previous life, and that is why we  were not used to being suspicious. We were probably naïve, but we gained a lot by being able to trust each other.

This is a horrifying story for everyone, but it is especially scary for widows. Still l believe that it is better to be generous and trusting, like Helen Bailey, than to lose your faith in love and humanity. I am so sad that she was proven wrong.

The post appeared in the Times of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/it-could-have-been-me-in-memory-of-helen-bailey/

The Case Of The Missing Assignment Or Too Much Information

Last week I heard on NPR that in some elementary schools in the US parents are notified by email if their child fails to submit even one assignment.  In high schools parents get on-going notices of all the different deadlines regarding their children’s college applications, so that they could make sure their children do not to miss them.

It is true that the school has all that data on hand and it is very easy to share it with the parents. Also teachers and schools are judged by their students’ performance and they are very willing to recruit the parents to help improve it.  It could even  be  possible that  the parents themselves request, or put pressure on the school to give them all that information.

Please keep reading in The Times Of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/the-case-of-the-missing-assignment-or-too-much-information/

Best Friends Are Forever?

TOCT.04.2013 

My mom’s best friend called me on my mother’s birthday to let me know that she hasn’t forgotten that date. The friend is 97 year old and my mother has been dead for almost 20 years. Still I wasn’t surprised, isn’t that what  best friends are all about, to be there for you forever and ever?

My mother met her friend in Tel Aviv in the 1930s when they were young and single. They  have remained best friends throughout their lives and  for us, the children, she has always been family. If, like my mother, we are lucky to have a best friend in our adult life, she is often closer than a sibling, we trust her completely, and depend on her for affirmation, strength, and advice. We may even share with her secrets that we won't tell our partner. 

Perhaps because of its significance, "a best friend" is quite a complicated institution, and the attitude to its mere existence is ambivalent. For example, husbands, who are aware of the power and influence of their wife's best friend, sometime see  her as a threat which could  undermine their marriage. Moreover, they could feel that she sees through them, knows all their faults, and her compassion and  loyalty always lie with the wife.

Ambivalence is also an intrinsic part of the relationship itself; one of its manifestations is expectaions. Such strong emotional bond between best friends entails high expectations, and when those are not met it could lead to deep disappointment. 

Thus it may not be surprising that in spite of its depth and intensity,  friendship among women has traditionally been disparaged. The Victorian writer Charlotte Yonge observed in 1878: “It has been said that women are less capable of real friendship than men, and certainly historical friendships, such as existed between even Greeks of the highest type, do not appear to have been known amongst women; but this is because woman in her degraded state, uneducated and only her husband’s foremost slave, was incapable of more than gossip and rivalry with her fellow-women. Friendship could not begin till woman was refined and elevated.  .  . It requires that the woman should have a mind, and should go beyond the actual interest of dress, marriage and family, in order to have substance enough to make a real friendship with man or woman”

The great feminist Vera Brittain also noted that historically friendship between women has been underestimated by society: “From the days of Homer the friendships of men have enjoyed glory and acclamation, but the friendships of women, in spite of Ruth and Naomi, have usually been not merely unsung, but mocked, belittled and falsely interpreted” (1942).

Similar conclusions were found in sociological studies, conducted around the middle of the twentieth century. Graham Allan suggested in 1989 that relationships between women tend to be viewed through the prism of negative conventional images and stereotypes, with their actuality usually masked in a fashion that favors the interests of more powerful groupings.

Lately social scientists have finally acknowledged close friendship among women as the most individualized and unregulated social relation. I am sure that all of us who have a best friend will agree with that conclusion.

When my best friend of over  30 years ceased to be my friend, I mourned  that loss and the void it has left in my life. But while death is final, there is always hope that with your best friend things will somehow, miraculously, be restored to the way they were, didn’t we say that a best friend is forever? 

Mothers and Mothers-In-Law: A Different Bridal Shower

I am in London visiting a friend and we went to see her mother. I've known the mother for almost forty years, and she has always been sharp, focused, funny, and interested in everything. This year she will celebrate her 90th birthday and is still the same. My friend is very fortunate and I feel jealous of their bond.

My own mother  passed away  seventeen years ago, and since then there has never been a day when I didn’t miss her. My mother and I were very close, and growing up I  knew that she was the one person in the world who truly believed in me.

A typical example of my mother's disposition comes to mind: In high school I once had a conflict with a teacher, who had said something untrue about me. I told my mother that I would not go back to her class. My mother took the matter seriously and suggested that we'd meet with the headmaster. I remember my mother saying to him: “my daughter told me what had happened with the teacher and I believe her since she never lies.” I was moved and proud that my mother stated so clearly that she was on my side.

 As it was agreed that I would not go back to that class, the headmaster was looking for solutions that would enable me to graduate. Those  involved doing a lot of extra work on my own, and again my mother said: “my daughter is not afraid of hard work.” Hearing that, I knew that this was the price that I had to pay, and that I would make the effort and do the work.

I was thinking about this transformative moment and the importance of trust when I was invited the other day to a bridal shower by my friend whose  son is marrying a girl from South America. Their custom of a bridal shower is different; it is held in honor of the bride and the two mothers, and the only guests are the female friends of the mothers.  

The bond between mother and daughter is often regarded as the strongest and most meaningful in the family. On the other hand, the connection between the new wife and her  mother-in-law is usually complex and  full with sensitivities.

While we usually trust our mother, this is the missing element in the relationship between a daughter and her mother-in-law.

This intimate gathering in which the mothers were in the roles of friends provided an opportunity to shuffle the cards. It was a joyous occasion: being with true friends we  feel safe and relaxed. There was a lot to observe, and the  bride got to see  her future mother-in-law with her friends with whom she was informal and happy. The mother-in-law saw the bride feeling comfortable with her mom’s friends. And the mother of the bride saw the future mother-in-law surrounded with a group of friends. This meant that she was a likeable person who would treat the daughter fairly. 

Obviously the bridal shower, with all the hugs and the kisses, is not going to solve the problems in the relationship between the three significant women in the new union.  However, the simplicity and good-will of such a party is an important first step in reducing suspicion and moving toward  trust.