Life Behind The Partition Of The Law School Graduation Gala

The request of the religious women law students at the Hebrew University to dance behind a partition during the graduation gala, is not that absurd if we take into account the long and established connection between women who dance and the men who are there to watch them.

In many cultures throughout the generations women have been dancing for the enjoyment of men. Even in our part of the world, in the conservative Middle East, belly dance has been traditionally performed for men. Thus it is not surprising that the religious law students feel that the only way for them to avoid being watched by men is to hide behind the partition.

Dancing is not the only activity that could make women feel self-conscious when there are men around,

it is a well-known secret that many women are not comfortable eating with men, even if they are their partners. For the purpose of this post I read an article that quoted a survey of more than 5000 women that found that More than 60 per cent of women in relationships do not feel comfortable eating in front of their partner.

Women often get together for the purpose of sharing a meal together with their friends. I am not sure whether it is because some men tend to comment on what women put on the plates, the amount they eat, or that they feel more relaxed around women and they can really eat what they want. Actually I don’t need the survey, I have seen it often enough with my own friends.

But, what most women truly dislike, especially as they get older, is to walk around in their swimming suits around men. This topic is not sufficiently discussed much in public, but I heard my female friends say that they haven’t been to the beach in ages, or that they no longer go to the pool. I know from experience what they mean as being in my swimming suit makes me feel really uncomfortable

So for my 60th birthday, I invited 60 of my good women friends to a swim party at a nearby thermal pool. Almost all the guests agreed to take their clothes off and get into the water in their swimming suits. It was a wonderful experience that would not have happened if men had been around.

I feel that instead of convincing women, who refuse to dance, eat or swim around men, that they should make an effort in the name of the Feminist cause, it is much wiser to support them and respect their wish to enjoy those simple pleasures in the company of other women.

I don’t like the idea of a physical partition in the middle of the public space at the Law school gala, but I believe in a metaphorical partition. The religious women who requested a partition would not dance without one. It is their right to have their own space, a safe place, where they can have music and the privacy to dance freely and happily. Perhaps they would even be trendsetters and other women will be brave enough to join their dance.

 The essay appeared in the Times Of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/life-behind-the-partition-of-the-law-school-graduation-gala/

Women And Aging: The Pnina Rosenblum Version

The other night on Israeli television (Hakol Kalul-- all inclusive) I watched Talia Peled Keinan interviewing the  Israeli  businesswoman, and media personality, Pnina Rosenblum.

About two years ago Rosenblum started an online dating service, lately she was sued by one of her former clients. He was one of her VIP clients who paid a large sum of money so that she personally would find him a suitable partner.  Apparently she failed to do so. Rosenblum ignored questions about the lawsuit, instead she used the opportunity to promote her business. She encouraged older men to subscribe, even free of charge, to her dating service and gave older women some personal grooming tips

Rosenblum claimed that older women should be careful not to let themselves go, eligible men are rare, and in order to catch a man, women must stay slim and beautiful.

Please keep reading in the Times Of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/women-and-aging-the-pnina-rosenblum-version/

Simone De Beauvoir And The Burden Of The Double Day, Revisited

 NOV.10.2013 - 2:54 PM

The other day I heard an inspiring yet somewhat disturbing story. It was about the challenges of a young career woman-- a mother, in the relentless business world. Her daughter celebrated her birthday at the preschool and had warned the  mother that if she failed to show up to the party on time, she would dismiss her as a mother.

On the appointed day the mother had to attend a meeting which was due to end fifteen minutes prior to the party. As it was rush hour, she knew that she would never get from the center of Tel Aviv  to the party on time. Desperate times called for desperate measures, thus she had planned ahead and hired a delivery motorcyclist who waited for her at the end of the meeting and raced  through heavy traffic to the school: She wasn't late.

This time the mother found a solution, but I have to wonder about all the other instances when she couldn't, and about all the important occasions in her daughter’s life that she had to miss.The preschooler and  her mother suffered many disappointments.  It seems that from an early age the daughter learnt that a threat could actually be an effective tool to help her mother steer in her direction.

The story demonstrates the creativity and resourcefulness of the mother, she thinks outside the box and comes up with innovative solutions. Those are rare and sought after qualities even in the business world. However, it is a sad comment on our society when a  mother  has to literally risk her life to get to a her daughter's birthday party on time.

For generations Feminists have been wrestling with the issue of combining home and work. Simone de Beauvoir in The Second Sex, (1953) was against women's employment and argued that combining home and work meant a burden of the ‘double day’ which underpinned the subordinate position of women in society. She further details the hardships in store for women, at all professional levels, who attempt to combine marriage and work. She points out the difficulties of the woman worker or employee, the secretary, the saleswoman, all of whom go to work outside the home. It is much more difficult for them to combine their employment with household duties, which would seem to require at least three and a half hours a day, with perhaps six hours on Sunday – a good deal to add to the hours in factory or office. As for the learned professions, even if women lawyers, doctors, and professors obtain some housekeeping help, the home and children are for them also a burden that is a heavy handicap.

De Beauvoir, who never married, wrote about the plight of working married women. The sociologists Alva Myrdal and Viola Klein studied working mothers and like most Feminists of their era, advocated part-time work for mothers once their children went to school. They promoted this style of work in their book Women’s Two Roles (1956) since they regarded being  part of the working force for women as a mission and as an end in itself.

Today, sixty years later, most mothers cannot afford to work part time even if they wish to do so. De Beauvoir was right: many women, mothers in particular, still face the burden of the double day once they get home. And if they need to make some changes in their work's schedule, they have to take heroic measures.

After all this time, most men still find it easier to view this situation as a woman’s problem, but this  is a grave oversight. Men  should help make the working environment  conducive for mothers, as it is also their own children that the mothers are forced to disappoint.

I hope that the daughter in the story would not grow up believing that it's just not worth it. Moreover, it will be unfortunate if, in order not to disappoint their own daughters, she and other female friends would decide either not to have children like de Beauvoiror, or if they do have them to go back to being stay-at home moms like most of their foremothers.

Your Best Is Not Good Enough For Me

Although we may not always admit it, most of us experience it in one way or another.  What I am referring to is the feeling of embarrassment, or even shame, while watching a  loved one in public: it could be a family member (especially parents), a partner or even a close friend.

In retrospect, and sometimes even in real time, we  feel guilty and disappointed at ourselves for having those feelings, but it is hard to stop them. Those moments of embarrassment do not  come as a surprise, usually there are triggers, and we dread their arrival. They could occur at a  holiday dinner, an outing, a party with friends etc. Typically they appear when we are outside our immediate circle, in cases when we do not have full control of the action and the  outcomes.

In those instances we experience our  loved ones in a different setting, often in a different role and  thus we view them through, what we perceive to be, someone else’s critical eyes. Somehow under such scrutiny a previously fine person becomes full of faults.

It is not as though we were blind to those flaws before hand, but while prior to the occasion we condoned them, now suddenly they become as noticeable as out of tune notes.

I remember with regret an instance when at the age of twenty two my husband and I were invited with my parents to dinner at the home of new British friends. After the meal when everyone had coffee my mother dared asking for tea. And I thought why does she have to be different?  it was the first time that I was embarrassed of my mother and  knew  that those feelings, which stemmed from my insecurities, reflected badly on me. No one else cared, and the hosts were happy to give my mother what she had asked for. I hope that she didn’t notice, at least I was smart enough not to say anything.

While My mother only embarrassed me that one time, my poor father kept challenging my sensibility for years, until at thirty  I finally realized that by finding faults with his etiquette I was the one who lacked manners.

I had a chance to meet an extreme version of myself as a young woman when we went out for dinner with a friend, her daughter and her son in law. The mother (free spirited and  delightful) was constantly berated by her embarrassed daughter (sulky and uptight). Those attributes in parentheses are mine, of course, the young woman and her husband probably viewed the occasion quite differently. I empathized  with the  mother  and felt some shame remembering my own behavior. In order to ease the tension, I tried to make a supportive comment to the mother, but I noticed that she preferred to think that no one had noticed, so I stayed out of it.

In gatherings we sometimes see couples where the wife just knows that when her husband opens his mouth he would make a complete fool of himself. Thus she intervenes trying to ameliorate the situation. Obviously for her every inappropriate comment is grating on her ears.

I do not believe that this public performance is a sign that the relationship is in trouble; it is very possible that the mother and her daughter are close and that privately those couples get along fine. Issues that we tend to discuss in public such as politics, sport, or religion are a breeding ground to stock arguments and rigid opinions and therefore could be especially hard to take.

I feel that women who are generally sensitive to their surroundings tend to feel embarrassment and shame more strongly. I don’t think that many men kick their wives under the table to make them stop talking, but I have yet to meet the man who has not been kicked. Naturally we cannot kick our parents, friends and children.

 But why can’t we just let it be? How come we are so worried that our loved ones’ imperfections will reflect badly on us? Are we flawless in public?

I can only speak for myself, perhaps when it happens I regress back to that insecure girl who found faults with her mother, all those years ago.

A good friend told me “my daughter’s inadequate behavior in public teaches me humility.” This is a great attitude which I am trying to adopt.