For Father’s Day: The Father As A Teacher

Growing up in Israel in the late 1950s I hardly have any childhood memories of my father. He was always away at work. My mother and my older brother were in charge of my upbringing. I got to know my father only as an adult. Children books and magazines, from that time, tell a similar story to mine. The father was always absent, either physically at work, or emotionally. Pictures of the father show him quite withdrawn, sitting behind a newspaper which separates him from the rest of his family.

It seems that fathers in the 1950s were spoilt by their family, which demanded nothing of them but gave them a lot of respect. But already in the 1980s things were different, my husband was an involved father, as the following Father’s Day story indicates.

It all started with a project: a dollhouse made out of wooden bookcase, which my daughters built together with their father. They had labored on it for weeks, and then when the dollhouse was finally done it was time to furnish it.

My husband asked the girls to make a list of the essential items they needed in order to furnish the different rooms of the house. Their wish list was very long: there were so many things that they just couldn't do without.

Then he said: “This is an excellent list, and we will be happy to split the cost of the furniture that you have chosen.” He announced it as though he was handing out a big  award, which in a way he was. It was just that they were caught off guard, our daughters were certain that we would be paying for everything.

I was as surprised as the girls: my husband had not revealed his plan, he was probably worried that I would object. Indeed, although I said nothing and went along, I secretly felt that at the age of 7 and 8 they were too young to have their wings clipped in such a way. They were thrilled about the finished dollhouse and were looking forward to the endless possibilities of interior design.

It is not that he wasn't willing to spend the money, quite the contrary, like the rest of us he was anxious to see the dollhouse come to life. In retrospect I understand that this was a brilliant fiscal move. He seized an opportune  moment to teach our daughters the meaning of money -- value, making choices, taking responsibility, accountability and even patience.

The girls were not even resentful, as rational creatures they just went ahead, made the calculation of how much money they were willing to spend, and came up with a much shorter list of the most important items.

As a business professor, and a father, he wanted to demonstrate to his daughters the concept of an  "interested party." In our case it meant that if they wanted something, they had to take action. It was also an enabling lesson, the girls saved money to buy new furniture, and made some decorations themselves. The dollhouse became more meaningful and valuable because we, the parents, refrained from buying all the furniture for them at once.

My husband believed that children should learn early about money so that they could grow up to be responsible adults. But he was able to teach them such a lesson only because he was close to his daughters, and worked together with them. It is true that my own father had a much easier life at home, but I feel that since he was absent, he missed out a lot.

Happy Father's Day!

 The essay appeared in the Times of Israel 

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/for-fathers-day-the-father-as-a-teacher/

The Remote Father

FEB.24.2013

 I got the idea for today’s post from a very unusual program of This American  Life. The topic of  the 1996 broadcast was Accidental Documentaries. It told the stories of old audio tapes from the late 1960s which were discovered accidentally in a  thrift store in Chicago. These tapes were audio letters between a family in Michigan and their son, who was in medical school in California, at the time. The tapes document the life of the family as its members:  the father, mother, and the younger sister, chose to share it with their son. 

The program's  producers got hold of the son who is a physician in California. This is Glass’ report: “We sent him uncut tapes of everything that was on the tape. And he heard them. And he said that it was fine with him for us to play the tapes on the radio. He said that the tapes captured the dynamics of his family perfectly. The drama of a lot of American families is the emotional distance of the father, the father staying away from the family orbit, the father not being around, the father holding himself apart. And Arthur Davis, Junior says that his father was like a lot of American dads in that way and was, in fact, pretty removed.”

I believe that the remote father is not only an American phenomenon. Growing up in Israel in the late 1950s I hardly have any childhood memories of my father. He was always away at work. My mother and my older brother were in charge of my upbringing. I got to know my father only as an adult.

 Arthur Davis Junior from the tapes tells a similar story: “He was reared in a divorced home. And there was a lot of bitterness. And so it was pretty tough for him to even consider getting married. And then when I was born, my mom said that he just broke into tears, thinking that he might have to deal with some of those issues as a parent. He never did really want to be a parent. And she really helped him through that a lot. It was very fascinating, Ira. After my mom died, my dad changed tremendously. And he came to live with me, and spent quite a bit of time with my sister and me, and was very connected with us and our children. So that all changed after Mom died.”

And in 1950s Britain,  in issues of Girl magazine we could see in pictures and in stories that the father is always away, either physically at work, or emotionally, uninvolved --withdrawn. Even when the father is at home he sits at the table.  the newspaper which he always reads separates him from the rest of his family .

I always feel that in the 1950s and the 1960s men had a much easier life at home than they do today: Fathers were spoilt by their family, which demanded nothing of them but gave them a lot of respect.

Some changes are good; my husband was an involved father and we raised our daughters together. And when I think of the close connection that they enjoyed, it seems to me that after all the 1950s fathers did not get the best deal.

This American Life  Accidental Documetaries transcript:

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/14/transcript

Radio Show

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/14/accidental-documentaries

Furnishing The Dollhouse: A Lesson About Money

It all started with a project: a dollhouse made out of wooden bookcase, which my daughters built together with their father. They had labored on it for weeks, and then when the dollhouse was finally done it was time to furnish it.

My husband asked the girls to make a list of the essential  items needed to furnish the different rooms of the house. Their wish list was very long: there were so many things that they just couldn't do without.

Then he said: “You did a great job, and we will be happy to  halve the cost of the furniture that you have chosen.”  He announced it ceremoniously, as though he was handing out a big  award, which in a way he was, it was just that they were caught off guard, our daughters were sure that we were paying for everything.

I was as surprised as the girls:  my husband had not divulged to me his plan;  he was probably worried that I would protest.  Indeed, although I said nothing and went along, I  secretly  felt that at the age of 7 and 8 they were too young to have their wings clipped in such a way. They were thrilled about the finished dollhouse and were looking forward to the endless possibilities of interior design.

It is not that he wasn't willing to spend the money, quite the contrary, like the rest of us he was anxious to see the dollhouse come to life. In retrospect I understand that this was a brilliant fiscal move. He seized an opportune  moment to teach our daughters the meaning of money  - value, making choices, taking responsibility, accountability and even patience. 

The girls were not even resentful, as rational creatures they just went ahead, made the calculation how much money they were willing to spend, and came up with a much shorter list of the most important items.

As a business professor,  My husband also wanted to demonstrate to our daughters the concept of an  "interested party -- any of the people or organizations who may be affected by a situation, or who are hoping to make money out of a situation.” In their case, it meant that if they wanted something  they had to take action. It was also an empowering lesson, the girls saved money to buy new furniture, and made some decorations themselves. The dollhouse has become more meaningful and valuable because we didn’t just buy all the furniture for them at once.

Victoria and Albert Museum of Childhood in London has a collection of Georgian and Victorian  dollhouses. Some of the large ones were used as an instruction device for young women to practice the subject of home economics in preparation for their future role as ladies of the house.

 http://www.museumofchildhood.org.uk/

Our dollhouse was used in a similar fashion, my husband believed that children should learn early about money so  that  they could grow up to be responsible adults. 

Soon Santa will be visiting many families, perhaps now, before he arrives, it is also an auspicious time to start talking to children about money .

Give Me The Facts But Don't Tell Me What To Think

My uncle, my mother's youngest brother, lived with his family in a kibbutz. As a child I loved spending the holidays there, and announced to my parents that I planned to move to the kibbutz and go to high school there. They did not dismiss the idea a priori, but as I grew older I realized that my father would never agree. At the time I didn’t know why, it was only much later that I understood

Until the 1980s the kibbutzim (plural for kibbutz) had a critical role in the political and social life in Israel. Many were affiliated with different socialist movements or parties, and had a significant representation in the Israeli parliament –the Knesset.

In order to educate the next generation and to draw them closer to the kibbutz way of life, the  kibbutzzim movements founded youth movements all around the country. Most of them had  ideological agendas and often the leaders in charge were  on a yearly mission from their kibbutzzim. Off the top of my head I can recall at least  8  active youth movements in the 1960s, and out of those only one or two were apolitical.

 At that time there was no money available for enrichment programs, so most children attended the free activities of the  youth movements. Through those activities children, grade 5 and up experienced survival skills in nature, went on over-night trips, and spent a week at a kibbutz  during the summer.

My best friend, whose parents were members of the Communist Party, invited me once to  her youth movement. I had a great time; the program was interesting and the counselor and the children were welcoming. I wanted to join, especially since I heard that they would be spending  the summer holiday at a camp at the Crimea peninsula (how topical). In the late sixties nobody travelled abroad. But since my father objected to mixing political ideology with educational activities, I never went there again.

He also disapproved of political ideology as a way of life, and naturally was suspicious of the  kibbutzzim. Today many people admit that this experiment was problematic at best, but at the time my father's position was not at all common. He disliked the communal dining room  where the  kibbutz members  congregated 3 times a day, frowned upon the communal laundry and questioned the merit of the education system--the boarding schools like houses where children in the kibbutz led their life separately from their parents.

Had he chosen to voice his opinions my father would have been an unpopular guest in my uncle's kibbutz; and as he loved my uncle he kept quiet. Still my father never forgave that kibbutz  for taking too long to admit and condemn Stalin’s atrocities in the 1950s (especially in the case of the Doctors’ plot). At the time there was a heated debate about this issue, and for him believing the Soviet position and blindly obeying party line epitomized  everything that was wrong with the Kibbutz. He felt that this way of life could cause people to lose their ability to think for themselves and ultimately to compromise their personal integrity.

Individualism and free thinking were essential for my nonconformist father. When I asked him once why he preferred to read a popular newspaper and not the excellent Ha'aretz, he answered that he read a newspaper only for the facts, he didn't need the interpretation. Furthermore, he declared that he refused to let Ha’aretz "tell him what to think."

In recent years Haaretz has been airing the commercial: “The Paper for Thinking People," whenever I hear it on the radio I smile and answer: “apparently not for all of them.”