Brave Middle-Aged Widow: The Book Of Ruth

A while ago, when I paid a Shiva call to a friend who lost her husband, she said: “in addition to the personal pain, as a widow, my social position will be adversely affected.” I was quite surprised since I had never thought about it in this way. But she was right: Once a woman becomes a widow she loses much more than her husband:

As the hierarchy within the family shifts, her position often weakens. Moreover, as my friend observed, the new circumstances could affect the widow's public status, especially if she is left with limited resources. The widow’s fall from grace is particularly harsh since it happens through no fault of her own.

Please keep reading in the Times of Israel

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/brave-middle-aged-widow-the-book-of-ruth/

Don’t Listen To the Naysayers, Bring About Change

I never knew it had a name, but the other day I saw on American television a commercial for a high speed internet. In order to persuade the viewers to purchase that product, the narrator pleaded “don’t listen to the naysayer.”  This is how I first discovered that, in the US, naysaying is a familiar and toxic type of behavior which merits a warning

The naysayer, according to the dictionary, is a person who says something will not work or is not possible: a person who denies, refuses, or opposes something. From my experience, naysaying is a form of avoidance, the naysayer is not the brave Dutch boy who put his finger in the dike to save his country, but is the one to always find a reason why not to act.

We meet the naysayers in all walks of life. Within the family or among our friends they are the chronic joy killers who spoil enjoyable gatherings with their negativity. At work they are especially disruptive team members and could sabotage a meeting by explaining in great details why the ideas presented are never going to work.

I don’t mean to suggest that we have to agree about everything, quite the contrary, it is important to argue, and to listen to different points of view. Nowadays we know that yea-saying is as harmful as naysaying. Moreover, the latter should not be confused with healthy skepticism and constructive criticism, which are important and necessary qualities for improvement. But I believe that chronic nay-saying (like yea-saying) is often caused by fear and could lead to lethargy and ultimately to  stagnation and paralysis.

n recent years our leaders have found plenty of reasons why not to act and as a result our society became lethargic and stagnated. Many Israelis lost hope and believe that nothing will ever change. This despair caused, for example, a decrease in voter turnout in the last election.

In 2011, for a short time, the Israeli social justice protests brought about hope and energy. Many believed that a change was possible. The motto of the protests, which addressed issues of social order and power structure in Israel, was “the people demand social justice!”

Sadly social justice was not achieved and in 2015 Israelis are more disillusioned than they had been before the protests.

But new hope comes from unexpected directions, and the activities of

But new hope comes from unexpected directions, and the activities of groups like  Women Wage Peace, for example, bring about new surge of energy. From the first train ride from Tel Aviv to Sderot, back in November, the members of that group have continually been on the move all over Israel to promote its cause. Although the focus of the group is political, rather than economic or social, the rationale is that peace will bring about positive change in the living conditions of the two peoples, the Israeli and the Palestinians, and naturally it would translate to social and economic justice.

Keeping up the energy is a must, and in order to gain any meaningful achievements on election day, on March 17th, and thereafter, we constantly need to focus on all the reasons why we must act now. We have no more time to waste, so please “don’t listen to the naysayer,” bring about change.

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/dont-listen-to-the-naysayers-bring-about-change/

Is The Grass Really Greener? The Unbearable Lightness Of Leaving Israel

In the last couple of months, during the last war, I heard several intellectuals announce that they intend to leave Israel. The reasons as I understand them had to do with the unbearable political situation in Israel and the toxic cultural climate.

I can identify with this despondency, the current government makes it  hard to envision a change any time soon, and many of us feel angry and helpless.

Every so often when I am on the highway, stuck in traffic, I fantasize about leaving my car behind in the middle of Ayalon, and  walk away.

Please keep reading 

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/the-grass-is-always-greener-the-unbearable-lightness-of-leaving-israel/

"I Am A Feminist And I Also Don’t Have A Sense Of Humor:” A Story About Facebook

 - AUG.31.2013

I belong to the Israeli group “I am a feminist and I also don’t have a sense of humor” on Facebook. The group defines itself as “the group of disgruntled uber feminists and their friends." The group serves as a watchdog against discriminating misogynistic practices in different areas of life in Israel and  acts against offensive texts, photos and pictures in the media in general and on Facebook in particular. The other day the trigger for action was a cartoon that  appeared on FB, courtesy of a group called “Welcome to the Internet” https://www.facebook.com/4funsociety 

The cartoon showed a roller-coaster ride in an amusement park and the caption read “rape-- you could either scream or enjoy the ride.”

Our humorless group has over 3000 friends on FB and many of us reported the cartoon to FB as abusive and inappropriate. At first Facebook refused to regard that cartoon as offensive. Today more than a week later they wrote me to inform that they have reversed the decision. Here is what they wrote:

“You reported Welcome to the Internet's photo for harassment.

Details: We reviewed the photo you reported for harassment. Since it violated our Community Standards, we removed it. Thanks for your report. We let Welcome to the Internet know that their photo has been removed, but not who reported it. Facebook never discloses who submits a report. We have marked this content as insensitive and reached out to Welcome to the Internet and asked this to remove it.

Report Date       August 20

Status   This photo was removed

Owner  Welcome to the Internet

Reason Harassment”

I am relieved that Facebook has changed  its scandalous decision. However, it is discouraging to see, first that cartoons like this one are still posted at all, second that they could be considered humorous, and finally that for more than a week FB refused  to acknowledge the noxious nature of that cartoon.

For generations, feminists have been accused of having no sense of humor; the  Feminist  group on FB takes pride in having no sense of humor when it comes to offensive content.

Humor is a quality that allows us to put a distance between ourselves and the world around us. But could fathers, brothers, sons and husbands remain detached when rape, the most violent and inhuman crime against their women, is treated as a joke?

PS. I just found out that the cartoon could still be seen on FB

The Need for Closure

I don’t like loose ends. The need to understand why, how, or what could be done differently, is part of who I am: an impatient person. It may sound paradoxical, but I would rather know for certain that something, which I look forward to, is not going to happen, than to wait around and see if it might still work out. An example comes to mind: several months after I was widowed, I started going out with a man about my age. At first it was somewhat strained and awkward, as the last time I was out on a date was when I was 19 year old. But it didn't take long until we found that we had a lot in common. Then he told me that we needed to talk, that he wasn’t sure whether our relationship was progressing. He had announced it over the phone and then left town for a couple of days. When he came back he was surprised to discover that we were no longer dating. I preferred to interpret his doubts as a sign that it was time to end the relationship To imagine that he had harbored any reservations regarding my personality, which he kept to himself, was unacceptable to me. And to sit quietly and wait for things to take their natural course was obviously not an option. I wonder if the urge to replace ambiguity with certaintly is connected to my need for closure. This need is defined by Kruglanski and Webster in their article “Motivated Closing of the Mind: "Seizing" and "Freezing'” (1996) as "a desire for definite knowledge on some issue," and it "refers to individuals' desire for a firm answer to a question and an aversion toward ambiguity." Another example: when I wrote my PhD dissertation I enjoyed excellent working relationship with one of my advisors. Then all of a sudden her attitude toward me and my writing changed drmatically, and my chapters became the target of harsh criticism. I didn’t understand what had changed. Because of my "aversion toward ambiguity," I confronted that professor asking for an explanation. She admitted that she felt unsure about my work and worried that it wasn't good enough. I got what I asked for: "a definite knowledge on some issue" but was it closure? For a while this knowledge saitfied me. Then it stopped, and became a source of new ambiguity which, in turn, led to a quest for more answers. Or in other words, what previously seemed like closure--hermetically shut, with time started to unravel. My choice, in both cases was to swiftly get rid of the ambiguity in order to achieve definite results. Kruglanski and Webster argue that "the need for closure has widely ramifying consequences for social-cognitive phenomena" and that "those consequences derive from 2 general tendencies, those of urgency and permanence. The urgency tendency represents an individual's inclination to attain closure as soon as possible” The actions in the two examples stemmed from the "tendency of urgency" within me, I needed to get immediate relief, or in the words of the researchers: " simply could not wait.” But I wonder when, and if, an action, intending to end ambiguity, qualifies as closure, and whether real closure is at all possible. Closure is a ritual which is meant to bring about relief and tranquility following a turmoil, yet it seldom does. Perhaps like in Greek tragedy, closure is the end which, for a short while restores order but underneath we are left with the same stormy and incomprehensible world.